According to my almost-always-within-reach encyclopedia, an Alpha Male® is considered “… the individual within a community to whom the others defer and follow. Wolves, for example, will allow the Alpha in their pack exclusive mating rites with the Alpha Female. The status of Alpha is generally achieved by means of a superior physical prowess.”
Now, the fact that I had to double check the exact definition of an Alpha Male® in an encyclopedia can probably clue you in to the fact that… the description doesn’t exactly describe me. In high school, I spent my time editing the poetry magazine, rather than building my superior physical prowess on the field. And my first mating rites with an Alpha Female didn’t come along until I was out of college.
With that said, I managed to find my way into a situation where I had the opportunity to reverse all that. I was offered a chance to test drive what was supposedly the most powerful Testosterone enhancement supplement on the market.
Now, I knew that if I took Alpha Male®, I wasn’t going to suddenly get a phone call from Julie, the high school class valedictorian whom I had a crush on since the fourth grade. Nor was I going to stroll into the gym and set a New York state Powerlifting record. Or… was I? I figured it was worth a shot.
I’ve been training for a handful of years, and have never used or considered any type of pro-hormone or test booster. The only supplements I take consistently are a multi-vitamin formula, Grow!, and ZMA. I’ll throw in glutamine if I’m getting sick (studies be damned, it works for me), and I used creatine on and off in the late ’90s (eh, who didn’t?)
Other than that, Alpha Male® was the only new addition to my routine. Workouts didn’t change, nutrition didn’t change. I wanted this to be the only variable. Sure, I could’ve gone the extra step and had blood samples taken to measure pre- and post-supplementation Testosterone levels. But, um, no.
The following is my journal of three weeks spent becoming The Alpha Male®, including its effects on my training, my health, and my bedroom life (Parental Advisory is suggested. I’m sorry Mom, please skip over those parts):
Week One, Day One, It Has Begun.
Ate breakfast, 1 glass of iced green tea and 2 hard-boiled eggs. Just thought you’d want to know. I’ll be taking the Alpha Male® on an empty stomach, as per the label directions. So, I need to remember when I eat, and plan accordingly.
I’ve decided to take Alpha Male® according to the label’s cycling direction, using the suggested 4-day-on, 1-off, 3-on, 1-off cycle. I decided to take the bottle with me to work. I know I’ll be less likely to forget a dose if I have the bottle with me all day. As I take the bottle from my desk, I’m sure the rattling of pills will catch the attention of my cubicle neighbors, who will no doubt ask if I’m taking “steeeroids” at work.
No one notices, so I pop the 3 awesome black and green pills (I think I remember Thib saying something about feeling like the Incredible Hulk, what with the color scheme). I carry on with my day.
Week One, Day Four
- About 10:30 a.m. I reach for the 1-gallon jug of water on my desk, and realize it’s just about half empty. Usually it takes me until sometime in the afternoon to take in that much. I play back the last hour in my head. I haven’t felt thirsty; I’ve just been in the mood for water, like a craving. Interesting, could be an unconscious response to swallowing the 3 pills (I’m not much of a “pill guy,” even though they were smaller than I expected). Anywho, it’s not a bad thing by any means. More water is more better, in my book.
- 11:45 a.m. I notice that I’m working with less distractions, and seem to be getting things done fairly efficiently. Probably nothing like Spike (which I received the same day as the Alpha Male®, but I’m begrudgingly holding off on it, in order to give you all a sincere report here. You’re welcome.) It’s like I’m cruising down the highway going 65, instead of 50. It’s not extreme, but just noticeable enough.
- 6:00 p.m. Workout, including some hitting the thai pads. Endurance definitely seems better than usual. Could I be experiencing a significant effect this soon? Maybe. By the time I went to bed, I drank a half-gallon more water than usual. Still not due to thirst, just cravings.
Week Two, Day Three: Now That’s Testosterone.
- 7:00 a.m. Woke up with the most wicked case of morning wood I’ve had since I was 14. It’s the first time in a long time I can remember actually noticing it. I think most guys can relate, standing at attention in the a.m. is kinda like the morning sunrise; You just expect it to be there, and it’s usually over before you can do anything about it. Today, it was like: GOOD MORNING CHRIS! HOW’RE YOU? WHATS ON THE AGENDA FOR TODAY? That was a nice way to start the day.
- Went through the day at work hoping I didn’t have a spontaneous recurrence of this morning.
- 3:30 p.m. Took second dose, lunch was at 12:45.The afternoon flies by, I got a little boost of energy around 4:30, and was actually considering staying late at work to get more done. Decided against it, I wanted to get home.
Some time in the evening – I realized that just about every sentence my girlfriend was saying, I turned into sexual overtones.
- Her “So, what’s for dinner?”
- Me “Well, I know what I’d like for dinner.” (wink, wink)
- Her “How about Italian?”
- Me “So, you want a piece of Italian?” (eyebrow raises)
- Her “You’re an idiot.”
- Me “I know which part of me is an idiot.” (ear-to-ear grin)
Week Two, Day Five: Started The Weekend On A High Note.
- 7:15 a.m. I woke up and friskiness-level was at an all-week high. I seriously considered playing hooky from work and doing NC-17-rated things with my gal. It was suggested that, instead, I try the cryotherapy of cold shower. I tried it, and it was chilly. I’m talking, like, Alaska in December. And it just barely worked.
- 10:00 a.m. Took dose #1, breakfast was at 9:00. Couldn’t help but be distracted at work. All new kinds of impure thoughts were floating through my mind. I should’ve written them down, Penthouse would’ve been proud.
- 4:30 a.m. Dose #2, lunch was at 12:30. I was able to wrangle in my concentration, to get some actual work done.
- 6:00 p.m. Workout, energy is definitely improved during and after the weights. Walking power cleans usually take more wind out of me. Not so much this time. I reached the end of the workout and said “Oh, I guess I’m done then. Hmmph.”
- 10:30 p.m. So, I’m getting ready for bed, and I go to “pass some water” like the old timers say (I’m taking a whiz, okay?) and I notice the most outstanding surprise, which I can sum up in 3 easy words.
I’ll admit that I’m not your everyday Dirk Diggler, but I’m absolutely sure that that the frank (not the beans) is a bit bigger than usual. It wasn’t a case of being at half-mast, either. Guys, we know the difference, and this was totally relaxed. I mean, if you live with someone for 25 years, you’re going to notice when they gain some weight.
I know this isn’t supposed to happen or if it’s even possible. Anyhow, for the sake of authenticity, I had this verified by an independent observer, and she concurred.
Week Two, Day 6
Took no pills this day. Seemed like a regular day, just like any other during the week. I noticed I’m still finding ways to inject lude overtones into the most casual conversations. It’s probably less-than-charming, but, it’s making me smile. And I’m still stoked about last night’s discovery, and realized I was admiring, ermm, I mean double-checking it several times throughout the day.
Week Three, Day 4: The first real test of my Test.
- 12:00 p.m. Took dose #1. Slept in today, had breakfast at 10:00.
- 7:00 p.m. Took dose #2. Had lunch at around 4:00.
- 9:30 p.m. Had a workout with my gal. I mean a “workout,” nudge-nudge, wink-wink, know what I mean? Say no more, say no more. We’re friends here, so I’m comfortable sharing with you. But, it was basically a first round knockout, where as I usually go to the judges’ scorecards (that’s a comment about my “stamina” for you non-fight fans).
Trust me that this kind of thing doesn’t usually happen to me. No, really. Quit giggling, I’m serious. I will say though, that I was back on my feet and totally ready for a rematch before you could say “Don King has funny hair.”
Week Three, Day 6: End of the ride.
- 10:30 a.m. Had dose #1. Breakfast was 9:15 (are you tired of hearing about my meals yet? Don’t worry, I’m almost done). Work this morning seemed to go flying by. I wasn’t distracted by all those thoughts that would make Larry Flynt blush. I guess I got it “out of my system” last night. I was getting a bunch of stuff done that needed getting done.
- 5:00 p.m. Had dose # 2, right before I left work. Lunch was at 2:00 (there, that’s the last time I’ll mention it.)
- 5:45 p.m. Had a workout with myself. No, I mean exercising this time, you gutter-minded people. Energy was completely though the roof. After the second set, I actually paused and thought to myself “So, this is what “attacking the weights” is like. The intensity was turned to 11. Yelling and deadlifting in my garage, I actually had the half-deaf neighbor peer over the fence and ask “Everything okay?” Ha, yep. Yep it is.
Epilogue: The Aftermath
Just a quick addendum here. It’s been almost a month since I’ve finished my introductory 3-week period described above. I’ve switched to the other recommended 5-on, 2-off cycle, simply because I decided it would be much easier leaving it in my desk at work Monday through Friday. Having the 2 days off hasn’t altered the effectiveness one way or the other.
My workouts with the weights have continued to be awesome. I couldn’t come into a workout feeling tired if I tried. Every session just seems to get me revved up for the next one. That’s a shot of motivation I hadn’t had in quite some time.
The other “workouts” with my gal have also continued to improve. I’ve returned to going all 12 rounds, and then asking for extra innings. Yes, that’s a mixed sport metaphor, but that’s how it is. I’ve managed to keep myself from translating every other sentence into an invitation to roll in the hay. But, just between you and me, my gal is a wonderful person head to toe, inside and out, but for these past 4 weeks, I’ve just wanted to grab her and make hot, sweaty, sweet, sweet lovin’ until dawn everyday of the week.
So, if I had to summarize, I’d say that I wouldn’t have expected a supplement like this to positively affect an otherwise healthy 25-year old guy like this has. I assumed I was functioning at 100%, hormone-wise. Apparently I wasn’t, because A., pretty much no one is. And B., if I were, I probably wouldn’t have seen any difference. But I did.
There were noticeable changes in my anaerobic endurance, motivation for strength training, my general mood and concentration, and my bedroom appetite and performance; everything just took one step forward (okay, some of those took about 35 steps forward, but still… )
I’m left with only one remaining question about Alpha Male®. What’s with the baboon? I mean, really. I see the tagline “There Can Be Only One…” and I’m expecting to see an endorsement by Christopher Lambert, Adrian Paul, or maybe even Sean Connery. But a baboon?
I don’t entirely get it, but I guess I don’t need to. I’ve named him Lou the baboon, and I’ve got another bottle of him in the cabinet already. So, thanks Lou, thanks Biotest, and thanks T-Nation for offering me a chance to Alpha Male®-ize myself. I’m going to go home now and see if anyone’s in the mood for some Italian. (wink, wink)