I've spent most of my life as a skinny bastard. It took more than two
decades of lifting to get my body mass index up to a mirror-friendly 26.
(If I'd known anything about nutrition I might've been able to
do it in two years. But at least that left plenty of protein for you guys.)
However, I'd be the last to suggest that being skinny
doesn't have its benefits.
1. No one tries to steal your watch when it's up near your elbow.
2. Want abs? Skip lunch.
3. Win every duel, as long as you stand sideways.
4. Clothes always fit–even your girlfriend's.
5. You never have to prove your manhood, since no one assumes you have any.
6. Some people spend thousands of dollars for cheekbone implants. All you
need to do is chew once or twice a day.
7. If you have hair, being skinny makes you look like you have twice as
much. If you don't have hair ...well, you'd better go buy some,
because a skinny bald guy looks like a light bulb with its own blood supply.
8. The skinnier you are, the bigger and more soulful your eyes look. You
could be sitting in a Starbucks writing an email to your bookie begging for
another week to cover your losses, and the woman at the next table will assume
you're composing haiku about her breasts.
9. You, your girlfriend, and her Irish Wolfhound are all perfectly comfortable
on that twin bed. A queen-size bed is like an aircraft carrier.
10. Your doctor will never, ever say, "You know, you could really stand
to lose some weight." Of course, there's only a one in five chance
he'll say that to someone who's 5-3 and 270 pounds, but at least
with you, there's no risk at all.
11. When a stiff wind blows you across the sidewalk, strangers will laugh
and applaud, assuming it's part of your comedy routine.
12. In the gym, women offer to spot you when you're warming up with
13. When big guys say, "I crap bigger than you," you can come
back with, "Yeah, but at least I can wipe my own ass." (Skip this
clever retort if you can't run fast and/or there's no clear exit.)
14. If you ever want to shut people up, just tell them you're trying
to lose weight. They'll be speechless for the next five minutes.
15. Women will feed you (as soon as you tell them you're kidding about
trying to lose weight).
16. As long as Hollywood makes movies about people dying of horrible diseases,
your acting career will flourish.
17. Not only can you fit into a Mini Cooper, you can drive it and clip your
toenails at the same time.
18. "Thin is the new rich."
19. The department store is never out of your size. It's always on
the first shelf, and it's always in stock.
20. When you tell people you play tennis, they automatically assume you're
21. The "layered look" is always in style, which is a good thing,
because if you go outside in winter without half your wardrobe, you'll
die of hypothermia.
22. At orgies, no one panics when you jump in the pile.
23. There's one person on earth who doesn't look horrible in a
24. Carbs, schmarbs.
25. You could be dying of emphysema and people you haven't seen in
10 years will say, "Wow! You look great!"