Introducing High Volume Tier Training

As far as strength coaches go, Erick Minor is about as cool as they get.

For months at a time we never hear from him, and just as we're ready to assume he's officially off the radar, he emerges like Superman from his Fortress of Solitude, usually with a kick-ass weight training program in tow.

As summer approaches, many bodybuilders start to have re-occurring nightmares about low calorie diets and endless walks on a treadmill. But if you're looking for something a little manlier, read on...

- BK

As the owner of a busy training studio, I get prospective clients every day coming through the front door to see what I might be able to do for them.

These tire kickers are from all backgrounds: From semi-pro ball players looking to get stronger for the upcoming season to track athletes hoping to shave a few hundreds of a second off their 100-meter sprint times.

Last but certainly not least, I get a couple of "ordinary Joes" wandering in every day to ask me a few questions about my services. Invariably, it's these everyday folk who often pose the biggest challenge.

My first question: "So what exactly are you looking for from a fitness routine?"

Their usual answer: "I'm looking to get stronger and build some muscle. I'd also like to drop around 20 pounds of fat. If you can improve my work capacity so I can keep up with the younger guys on the basketball court, that'd be great too. Oh, and I'd like to achieve these results in around 12 weeks. Is that doable?"

Lemme guess, you want to be able to do it in your sleep, too?

When I was cutting my teeth in this industry, I dreaded clients like these. I'd often try to convince them that it was far more effective to pick one goal (gain muscle, lose fat, improve conditioning) and focus on it than it was to try to chase too many rabbits with one stick. Yet as my knowledge increased and I began applying more advanced protocols, I came to realize that not only was it possible, it was also relatively simple.

Yes, simple. Just not easy.

After years of analyzing the problem, I came up with High Volume Tier Training.

Introducing High Volume Tier Training

High Volume Tier Training is for experienced trainees who want to transform their physiques in a big way, and in a big hurry.

Specifically, I designed this routine to accomplish three goals simultaneously:

• Increase muscle mass

• Increase work capacity

• Decrease fat stores

I realize it sounds ambitious, and not that far away from something you'd expect to see peddled on the Shopping Channel at 3 o'clock in the morning. Trust me, there are no gimmicks here; just heavy weights, calculated rest intervals, and nut-busting work.

Still interested? Well, let's see first if you even qualify to begin Tier Training.

If you've ever uttered the statements "I don't want to get too big" or "that's not functional" or (my personal favorite) "I think I'm over-training" then this program is definitely not for you. Use your dainty fingers to grasp your wireless mouse, navigate your cursor over your floral-patterned mouse pad to the top right corner of this page, and leave!

For the masochists continuing to read, enjoy!

The Science Behind Tier Training

Training for maximum hypertrophy, work capacity, and fat loss requires:

1. Recruitment of high-threshold motor units

• Thoroughly fatiguing all available muscle fibers in a limited time.

Simple, right? That's the good news. The bad news is, what most believe qualifies as a sufficient training stimulus is grossly inadequate at stimulating maximum muscle hypertrophy. Performing 3-4 sets of 8-12 reps to failure is only scratching the surface of recruiting and fatiguing all available muscle fibers.

I've come to the conclusion that a threshold level of tension and fatigue must be met to maximize adaptation that will produce multiple benefits. Keep reading and I'll explain how and why.

Exercise scientist Jerry Telle brought the subject of tension and fatigue to the forefront over ten years ago. He explained that tension and fatigue are the two most important factors for muscle growth.

Vladimir Zatsiorsky, PhD, author of "Science and Practice of Strength Training" states that, "motor units that are recruited but not fatigued are not trained."

Simply, adaptation is the result of chemical changes in the muscle signaled by exhaustive strength training.

Multiple Protocols Achieve Multiple Goals

We'll use multiple training protocols to recruit and then fatigue the target muscles. Keep in mind, high-density training increases work capacity and fat oxidation, and a higher volume of training is associated with muscle hypertrophy.

Recruiting High-Threshold motor units

The first two exercises (A1 and A2) of each workout are designed to activate the nervous system and recruit high threshold motor units by using progressive wave loading.

Example:       Set 1           200 lbs      x         6 reps

                      Set 2           210 lbs      x         4 reps

                      Set 3           225 lbs      x         2 reps

                      Set 4           230 lbs      x         2 reps

Notes on High-Threshold Recruitment

• Be conservative with load selection. Do not miss reps.

• Accelerate through the concentric portion of every repetition; also known as

Compensatory Acceleration Training (CAT), or the "Perfect Rep."

Fatiguing all available muscle fibers

For exercises B and C, use your 8 RM for sets 1 and 2, and perform as many reps as possible.

Sets 3-6, drop the load 5% each set and complete as many reps as possible until you've completed a minimum of 4 but no more than 6 sets.

* Optimal fatigue is reached when the trainee achieves a 10-20% decrease in training load.

Example:      Set 1   100 lbs (8RM)  x 8 reps

                    Set 2   100 lbs (8 RM) x as many reps as possible [AMRAP]

                    Set 3    95 lbs (8 RM at -5%)  x AMRAP

                    Set 4    90 lbs (8 RM at -10%) x AMRAP

                    Set 5    85 lbs (8 RM at -15%) x AMRAP

                    Set 6    80 lbs (8 RM at -20%) x AMRAP

* If you can't perform at least 3 reps by the time you reach the 4th set, move on to the next exercise. Come back stronger next week and destroy it.

Exercises D and E are also performed using descending sets but with a different set and rep pattern.

Program Details

Training Schedule:

Each exercise is trained once every 6 days

Day 1:   Arms & Shoulders

Day 2:   Legs & Lower back

Day 3:   Rest

Day 4:   Chest & Back

Day 5:   Rest

Day 6:   Repeat

This 3-day split is to be completed 5 times before moving on to a strength-based routine.

Keys To Tier Training Success

• Perform 3-7 warm-up sets for all (A) exercises.

• Warm-up sets are not necessary for remaining exercises.

• Strictly follow the rest interval parameters (30-75 seconds), this inhibits ATP/CP restoration and further stimulates fatigue, which enhances adaptation. If you don't own a stop watch, that should be your next purchase.

• Stay at your station until all sets for that exercise are complete. The short rest intervals don't allow time for wandering.

• After warming up, train no longer than 60 minutes. This is not based on scientific research about androgen levels, but on empirical evidence from hundreds of trainees. Focus deteriorates in most trainees at about 60 minutes. From arrival until the time you leave should take about 90 minutes.

• Increase training loads by small increments each workout.

• Perform no more than 6 exercises per workout.

• Technique is king. Focus on working the intended muscle with the prescribed tempo. Save the ego lifting for another training phase.

• End all sets when technique can no longer be maintained.

• Incrementally (2.5 to 15lbs) increase initial training load from week to week.

Extra Notes

This is a fat loss program right? What about cardio/energy system/hamster wheel work?

I do NOT recommend high intensity energy system training, especially on rest days. These workouts are deceptively hard. I believe that being lean is a product of decreasing insulin release, increasing the muscle insulin sensitivity, and increasing androgen levels. Do an honest job in the weight room and eat with equal dedication and you'll reach your goals. No additional cardio nonsense is required.

You talk about increasing the load each week. Is it realistic to expect to add size or strength when trying to lose fat?

Sure it is. Timing and nutrient density are far more important than caloric intake when training for muscle hypertrophy. Bulking-up and weight-gain powders should have died with neon leg-warmers. Drug-free athletes have no business following the crazy high-carbohydrate diets of their anabolic-assisted brethren. Gaining fat actually decreases the anabolic response to exercise due to the increased competition between fat cells and muscle cells for nutrients.

Here are a few tips I've used in my business to help coax along strength gains in natural trainees:

Get more sleep.

The best diet, training, and supplements cannot overcome the negative effects of sleep deprivation. Be in bed before 9:30pm.

Strengthen your traps.

Perform maximal strength training for your traps two times/week at the end of a workout.

Day 1: Isometric farmers hold or Heavy DB shrugs. 4-5 sets x 10-20 second TUT.

Day 2: Rack Deadlifts above knee. 4-5 sets x 4-6 reps.

Details: It's extremely important that you maintain a neutral head position with slightly retracted shoulders during these exercises. Do not let the shoulders drop forward or lift your chin.

Take 5 grams of creatine, 2 grams of Acetyl-L-Carnitine, 1-2 grams of Beta-Alanine, and 100-300mg of caffeine (optional) 30-45 minutes before training. Wash it down with 4-6oz of 100% grapefruit juice.

Get deep tissue massage once per week for at least three weeks in a row from a qualified soft-tissue therapist.

Get a referral if necessary. Soft-tissue therapy can improve recovery by decreasing adhesion build-up.

Take care of your joints.

• Stretch your hamstrings properly, daily.

• Eliminate low back flexion and rotation stretches. I never stretch low back muscles. Perform the prone cobra instead.

• Joint pain will decrease your ability to fully activate motor units. Add Glucosamine & Chondroitin, MSM, fish oil, and Curcumin to your supplement regimen. For a 200-pound man, I recommend 3000 mg of Glucosamine a day in two doses; 1500 mg with lunch, and 1500 mg with dinner.

Conclusion

Building muscle, losing fat, and improving work capacity is a lofty goal for even the most motivated trainee, but it's certainly not impossible. Follow the exercise parameters in this routine to the letter, especially the rest interval and tempo prescriptions. Combine it with a nutritional program that matches your goal, and I can guarantee you'll be very pleased with the results.

You might even have that Bowflex junkie in the cubicle next to you accusing you of being on the juice, and nothing makes a coach more proud than having his trainees accused of juicing.

The 2 Most Anabolic Hours of The Day

"To gain muscle quickly you've got to slam your fist on the anabolic button and jack up protein synthesis at very specific times. You've got to pound protein and carbs and hit the weights hard."

Lonnie Lowery, PhD, uses aggressive verbs when he's psyched, and you have to resist the urge to do the same. The terms "hammer" and "throw-down" may be on the tip of your tongue, but you must keep them in. It's cool when he says it; you, however, will sound like an idiot.

Interviewing Lowery is like chasing a half-musclehead, half-genius around in a circle while he yells at you over his shoulder. You have to keep up, and make him stop to repeat whole sentences in layman's terms every time you hear something you think could be interesting.

The dude spouts off studies like I spout off names of women I want to sleep with — they're always on his mind, readily available for any conversation.

A typical Lowery sentence:

"Darryn Willoughby and his colleagues showed that pre- and post-workout amino acids showed much better results than just a carbohydrate placebo for increasing muscle protein synthesis and anabolism."

Yeah. Crazy smart.

And when you finally get him cornered and calmed down, he hits you with this:

"If guys would simply load up on carbs and protein before their training sessions, take in high-quality amino acids during their workouts, and have another solid meal post-workout, they'd take advantage of the most anabolic time of the day and build serious muscle."

We know this as the 3rd Law, the simplest and most effective way to build muscle quickly.

In fact, we'd go so far as to say that all you need to build slabs of muscle is two measly hours of laser-like focus, the willingness to kick ass in the weight room, and high-quality nutrients delivered at the right times.

The only question is, are you really committed to growing muscle?

The Beauty of the 3rd Law of Muscle

So what exactly did Lowery mean with his last sentence, "...take advantage of the most anabolic time of the day?"

Well, when it comes to protein synthesis — the necessary reaction that must happen to build muscle — the hormone insulin plays a huge role. Simply, the higher you spike insulin, the more protein synthesis will occur, and the more muscle you can build.

According to Lowery there are two things that can raise insulin sensitivity: eating and training.

"Training by itself won't maximize protein synthesis," says Lowery. "Neither will just eating. But if you combine the two, you'll build muscle as quickly as humanly possible."

Of all the anabolic hormones in your body, insulin is under such dramatic control that eating lots of carbs and protein in the peri-workout window isn't just smart, it's imperative.

"I say this at every conference and lecture I give," says Lowery. "Peri-workout nutrition is the most important advancement in sports nutrition in 15 years. That's why it's so much fun talking with Tim Patterson and Biotest — they're on the leading edge of this stuff way before anyone else."

The Three Laws of Muscle, Revisited

The 1st Law of Muscle is to design and implement the best training program for your goals. The 2nd Law is to rest and recover. Most guys have those nailed.

But it's the 3rd Law that is perhaps the most critical step:

To guarantee the greatest gains from training, consume the precise compounds required to fully fuel, protect, and reload muscle — which can only be done immediately prior to, during, and immediately after training.

And the coolest part?  If you take advantage of the 3rd Law, you can pretty much kick back and relax the rest of the day.

How's that possible?

Think of it this way: if you buckle down for two hours, feed your body high-quality protein and carbs, spike insulin, train hard, and re-feed your body afterward, you're almost guaranteeing that every amino acid is getting pumped straight into your muscles. You've created the ultimate anabolic environment, and, if you're following the super-effective Anaconda Protocol, you're taking in a whopping 1,157 calories of muscle-building nutrients and 167 grams of protein.

Unless you plan on finishing the day by drinking a full bottle of Jager, running a half-marathon, and pulling an all-nighter, there's almost no way youcan't grow muscle.

Compare that to the guy who eats a banana, trains, and then has a low-quality, questionable protein shake, and you can quickly tell who's going to get the body he wants faster.

But I Read That My Body Can Only Process 30 Grams of Protein Per Meal!

Lowery read that too, and he's not happy.

"I have no idea where that notion came from," says Lowery. "My guess is that they took a 180-pound guy, gave him one gram of protein per pound of bodyweight, and divided that by six meals to get 30 grams per meal. And for some reason, people seem to think that it's the 'magic' number. It's just not correct."

According to Lowery, the human body is very good at digesting proteins. "Over 90 percent of most proteins get digested," he says. "The real determinant is: What happens after your blood gets all the amino acids in there? It's not necessarily how much you can get in your bloodstream, but how much protein your muscles take in and use."

And to do that, you need a training-induced release of growth hormone and Testosterone.

"The more anabolic hormones you can spike — insulin being the one directly under your control — the more you'll stimulate protein synthesis, and the more muscle you'll gain," says Lowery.

I'm Going To Take Advantage of the 3rd Law. All I Need is Chocolate Milk and Rice Cakes, Right? Right?

Sure, if you're in kindergarten, enjoy low-quality protein, shit-loads of sugar, and cardboard. We're talking about building muscle here, pal, not packing on fat or putting sub-standard ingredients in our bodies.

"Despite what the dairy industry wants you to believe, you need more specialized types of carbs and protein to get the most benefit," says Lowery. To take full advantage of the 3rd Law, you need quality ingredients.

The Perfect Carbs

According to Lowery, the perfect blend of carbs to consume before a workout should be insulinogenic (spikes insulin), but not anything containing straight sugar or high-fructose corn syrup.

"I'm all for special dextrins [like the rice oligodextrin found in FINiBAR™ that will support high-level performance," he says. "You can't just sit down and have a giant bowl of Applejacks."

The Perfect Protein

For protein, Lowery's a fan of hydrolysates [like the casein hydrolysate found in ANACONDA™, which are proteins that enter the blood stream quickly and significantly increase the rate of protein synthesis.

"Remember, the faster the amino acids hit the bloodstream and more protein synthesis you create, the better off you'll be," says Lowery.

Only for the Fully Committed

If you want to gain muscle faster than ever before, you need a great training program and peri-workout protocol.

To see the full effects of the 3^rd Law, we suggest following the I,BODYBUILDER training program and ANACONDA™ Protocol.

"Rapid gains are optimized when the right workout is combined with plentiful nutrients in the peri-workout period," says Lowery. "Neither workouts alone nor eating alone can do the job."

According to Lowery, it's a very symbiotic relationship.

"Muscular contractions with heavy weight stimulate protein synthesis," he says. "Insulin and leucine also act to increase protein synthesis and reduce protein breakdown. Put the two together and good things happen. Under the right circumstances of anabolic agents and heavy bodybuilding, I've personally seen guys gain nearly a pound of (mostly lean) mass per day for short periods."

Summary

To gain muscle fast, you must take advantage of the 3rd Law of Muscle and get the right amount of quality nutrients in your body in the peri-workout window.

And, you can't drink chocolate milk and eat sugary cereal to get the same effect. That's not the 3rd Law of Muscle. That's eating crappy food. You need quality nutrients from specialized carbs like rice oligodextrin, and specialized proteins like casein hydrolysate.

The Two Most Important Hours of Your Day

Usually, two hours doesn't get you much (except maybe enough time to watch a crappy movie). But if you can buckle down for two hours, spike insulin with high-quality nutrients to create protein synthesis, and train your ass off, you can pretty much kick back the rest of the day, confident that your body is building muscle as you relax.

Now who wouldn't want that?

The Tao of Boyle

38 years of under-the-bar experience, the best exercises, and why back squats still suck.

"... Tao is often referred to as 'the nameless', because neither it nor its principles can ever be adequately expressed in words."

Aw, what the hell, we'll give it a shot.

No questions, no time limit, and no stone unturned. Training? Nutrition? A little piss and vinegar? It's all here.

The following is what happens when you get on the phone with a top-level strength and conditioning coach and hit "record."

-NG

Mike Boyle Speaks

• I might be the most criticized guy in this profession. If not, I'm certainly close.

• But I get results. We've had Olympians, national champions, professional athletes—you name it. All those guys come through our gym. And people think I don't know what I'm talking about?

• When people come and watch my athletes train, they're always surprised. They can't believe they're as strong as they are. They fully expect to come in and see the Richard Simmons show, like I'm going to be wearing a jump suit and headband and making my athletes stand on Bosu balls.

• I've got girls doing chin-ups with a 45-pound plate around their waists. How many guys can do that?

• I've been lifting weights for 38 years. I started when I was 12 years old with a 110-pound set of barbells in my basement. I grew up on muscle magazines. They were my early education, you know? Man, I remember seeing Boyer Coe guest pose in 1979. Steve Reeves, Gladiator, Hercules...that stuff really got me into the lifestyle.

• People look at me and say, "He hasn't been under the bar." Yes, I have. And, frighteningly, I was pretty damn strong.

• Right now we've got training experts who don't train anyone and strength coaches who've never competed in anything. Would you take business advice from someone who doesn't have a business or isn't making any money?

• You have to keep training people to stay fresh. If you don't keep learning, you'll get to a point two years down the road where you won't know what you're doing any more.

• The better the athlete the more self-impressed you are. They learn everything so easily and you start to think it's you. "I'm an awesome coach because I can get that guy to do exactly what I want him to." Listen, when you're training a guy who's projected in the first round, getting him into the first round isn't a big accomplishment. That's where he was supposed to go.

• Last year we had four guys make teams—three un-drafted free agents and one seventh-round pick—who all stuck with NFL teams this year. I was more proud of that than any other thing we've done.

• A lot of what people tell you isn't true.

• First, I didn't say the "people shouldn't squat" thing to be controversial or sell DVDs. That clip was pulled directly from the DVD set by a marketing guy who watched the entire presentation and said, "This is the hook."

I had no idea how crazy the backlash was going to be. I even got some pretty harsh emails from some respectable people. Well, people I used to respect. Apparently they don't have time to think.

-Since then, I've had people forward me information about the bilateral deficit. All of a sudden, they're saying, "You're really right."

• The bilateral deficit? Well, they've found, particularly as it relates to the lower body, that you're clearly stronger when you train with one leg versus two.

Let's say you've got a guy who can deadlift 300 pounds for reps, but can't squat 400 pounds for reps. More often than not, he will be able to single-leg squat with 200 pounds on each leg for reps. So what does that tell you? He's at less risk because the load is lighter, but he's getting more work out of each leg.

• The thing I always hear is, "Well, if they have weak backs, why don't you just get their backs stronger?" Hold on. We're not talking about having a weak back. We're talking about the back being a limiting factor. That's very, very different. A guy who hang cleans 300 pounds doesn't have a weak back. The simple fact is that when someone fails in the squat it's not because they don't have any more juice in their legs. It's because their back can't handle the load.

• I wrote an article called "An Apology Letter to Personal Trainers." I've been telling them how to do their job for years and never trained a single non-athlete. Over the past few years I've started to, and it's hard work.

• I think personal training is much more difficult than working with athletes. We've got 2 hours per week to counteract the other 166 hours of the week. It's not a good ratio to try and make changes.

• Still, some trainers just suck. Like the ones who just tell their clients to go for a walk. That's the exercise equivalent of calling yourself a nutritionist and telling your starving client to go steal sugar packets from Dunkin Donuts.

• Or the flipside, you have the Crossfit guys who are just going to shit kick you until you can't move. That's just as bad. We've got uneducated trainers who don't challenge their clients and uneducated trainers who try to kill their clients.

• All the guys who get mad at me on the Internet, I just want to say, come talk to me when you're 40.

• I have the huge value of hindsight. I was just like you. I was a meathead. I wanted big muscles and to be strong as hell. If my shoulders hurt after benching, I'd ice them, take Advil and bench again five days later. If my back hurt from deadlifting, well, my back is supposed to hurt from deadlifting, right? I came to realize over time that I was wrong.

• Take a look at all these guys with surgeries. It's insane. How can they still be espousing the same principles when they've gone under the knife so much?

• Experience is wasted on the old.

• Everyone squats ass to grass? Where are they? I go to gyms and I don't see them. When you live in the Internet world there are thousands of guys doing heavy squats ass to grass with no problems. Call me skeptical. By the way, I'd love to see all these guys "laying it on the line."

• The best way to learn is to find someone who's doing what you want to do, and read everything they write, watch everything they've put on DVD, and hopefully get to talk with them in person.

• The close-grip hang snatch is the best power movement you can do. But you have to do them with a clean grip to spare your shoulders. The only reason guys do it with a wide grip is to use more weight, since it decreases the distance the bar has to travel.

• Why from a hang instead of the floor? Size differences. Olympic lifting favors shorter people. Suddenly when you're teaching the snatch to a football lineman, they have a hard time addressing the bar on the floor. It's also more practical to do it from the hang since it spares the back.

• I always take the original exercise and try it out. If it doesn't work to my standards, I modify it. If that still doesn't work, I drop it completely.

• If you'd have asked me a year a go I would have said the Turkish Get-up was a gimmick. Now I think it's probably the best total-body core exercise you can do. And that's part of the learning process!

• I can remember reading the early kettlebell stuff and being decidedly unimpressed. I had a million reasons why I didn't like it. But then I started watching my athletes get up off the floor. Nearly every one of them did a Turkish Get-up without even knowing it. I think it's a skill we lose as we age. Have you ever seen an old person try to get up off the floor? It's very difficult for them. I think it's an exercise everyone needs to be doing.

• The trap-bar deadlift is probably the best lower-body exercise. I think it's clearly the best bilateral exercise, since you're engaging your erectors and your traps much more than in a squat.

• Programming is an art. You can't just mix a whole bunch of stuff together and expect it to taste good. That's called shit soup.

• Everyone who foam rolls gets hooked on it, and everyone who doesn't thinks it's stupid. Do me a favor and spend seven dollars and buy a 12-inch foam roller. It'll change your whole life.

• And another thing: stretching doesn't have to take that long. You don't need to go to a yoga class. Just stretch your major muscle groups like your hamstrings, groin, hip flexors, lasts, and pecs. Shouldn't take more than ten minutes. When you realize later on that all the injuries you're going to get are because certain muscles get too tight or get knocked out of alignment, you'll thank me.

• After you stretch, do some kind of dynamic warm-up and mobility. I remember watching old-time Olympic lifters warm up before their training session, but I had no idea what the hell they were doing. They'd roll their wrists around, drop down into a deep squat and rock from side to side. Now I know they were doing mobility work.

• After all the warm-up stuff you have strength. My only major rule here is that for every pushing exercise you should have a pulling exercise. It'll shorten your workouts and save your shoulders. Same thing for your lower body. For every quad-dominant exercise, make sure you're doing a hip-dominant exercise. Throw in some Turkish Get-ups and you have a decent strength program.

• I end all my sessions with conditioning. T NATION readers aren't doing enough of it, either. If you're comfortable, or are doing long, slow cardio you can pretty much conclude it's a waste of time. Any young, fit guy should finish his conditioning and have to lie on the floor thinking, "God, that was awful."

• People should think and investigate more. Anthony Robbins has always said that success leaves clues. I'm a big believer in that. Whether I like or don't like someone, I'm going to watch what they're doing if they're succeeding. I'm willing to say when I'm wrong.

• I'm searching for the perfect training program, the Holy Grail if you will. I can't just suddenly stop searching.

• I've been there and done that. But the important thing is I'm still doing it.

Check out Mike's new book, Advances in Functional Training, here.

ATOMIC DOG

We were both naked in the water.

This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate.

We hadn't set out to be naked, though.

No, the objective was simply for her and I to kayak out to the coral gardens and snorkel.

That part went according to plan, but amazingly, probably because of the rotten world-wide economy and the fact that it's the off-season for tourists, there was no one around; no snorkelers, no boaters, no jet skiers, and no Polynesian fishermen. The entire Bora Bora lagoon, as far as the eye could see, was devoid of people.

Now I don't know how you were brought up but where I come from, if there's nobody around you take your pants off. That's just the way it is. There doesn't have to be a reason for it; you just do it because you can, thank you very much.

So that's what I did. I took my swim trunks off and chucked them into the kayak where they landed with a satisfying big wet plop.

She looked at me quizzically, smiled, and then followed suit by untying her suit. Her's made two small, albeit even more satisfying, wet plops as they landed in the kayak.

I instantly grew aroused, but I don't think it was necessarily because of her nakedness. Believe me, I had no intention of having sex out among the corals.

I mean, I don't know if you knew this about me, but I shoot a big load. It'd be like that big oil slick that's threatening the Great Barrier Reef off Australia right now.

Oh yeah, the Bora Borans could spray all the dispersal agents into the water they wanted, it wouldn't matter; there'd be a whole lot of corals that'd be going belly up and let's face it, with all those El Niños popping up every other year, the corals don't need any more grief.

That's a fact, Jack.

Nevertheless, I tried ignoring my arousal, but my tumescent state had a curious effect on my swimming. In most men, the appendage would probably serve as a stabilizer against the tide, current, and waves, but for me, given that I tilt slightly to the left and a little bit down, my engorged member acted as a rudder, and try as I might, I could only swim in a circle, a perfect one at that.

I later duplicated the phenomenon for a team of MIT mathematicians and they said the circle was so precise, they could use it to compute pi to the hundredth decimal point.

But none of the last couple of facts is germane to my topic. What I want to know, specifically, is why I found the situation so arousing that I grew erect and inadvertently clubbed numerous fish and crustaceans into a floating stupor.

The Neuroendocrine Cast of Characters

Louann Brizendine, MD, author of The Male Brain, appears to have some ideas on what makes me, and in fact all males, tick.

Brizendine has studied the way males think and it's decidedly different than the way females think (as if we males really needed her to tell us that).

However, unlike the run-of-the-mill psychologists, Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist, believes that most male behaviors and actions are determined by a precise blend of various hormones, among which Testosterone is a major player but not necessarily the sole marquee attraction.

Your love of explosions and car crashes? The end result of a potent cocktail of various hormones that hardwired your brain long ago.

Your inability to stay focused for more than a few minutes before a naked chorus line of coeds high kicks across your imagination? Again, a blend of hormones that made certain parts of your brain as prone to sexual agitation as a hound dog with a peach pit stuck up his rectum.

It's simultaneously comforting and unsettling to read that many of the behaviors you or other men exhibit are, according to Brizendine, as predictable as a computer program, in this case a computer program written by a cast of "neurohormone characters."

First among these neuroendocrine characters, of course, is Testosterone, which she describes as Zeus, King of the male hormones, who is "dominant, aggressive, and all-powerful."

Testosterone "activates the sex and aggression circuits, and he's single-minded in his dogged pursuit of his desired mate." While he's known for his bravery and confidence, he can be "the grouchiest of bears" when irritable.

One of Testosterone's cohorts is Vasopressin, which Brizendine refers to as "The White Knight." Vasopressin is the hormone of gallantry and monogamy. He aggressively protects family and turf, and along with Testosterone, runs the male brain circuits and enhances masculinity.

Another cast member is Mullerian Inhibiting Substance, or MIS. Brizendine characterizes MIS as the Hercules of the group, "strong, tough, and fearless." The hormone is interesting in that it literally strips away all feminine traits from the male brain. Much of MIS's actions take place in the womb, suppressing brain circuits for female-type behaviors and even destroying female reproductive organs.

Oyxtocin is referred to as "The Lion Tamer." Its job is to settle and calm even the fiercest of beasts, increasing empathy and building "trust circuits," along with reducing stress hormones, blood pressure, and even increasing the father/child bond.

Prolactin is referred to as "Mr. Mom," and he decreases sex drive and stimulates those connections in the male brain that are wired for paternal behavior.

Then there's "The Gladiator," which we all know as cortisol. Its job, when threatened, is to get mad dog mean and fight for life and limb.

Another familiar player is Androstenedione, which Brizendine calls "Romeo" because of his ability to seduce women. "When released by the skin as a pheromone he does more for a man's sex appeal than any aftershave or cologne."

Dopamine is referred to as "The Energizer" because he's the "intoxicating life of the party." He is described as "addictively rewarding," most often in the "rough-and-tumble play of boyhood and the sexual play of manhood, where dopamine increases ecstasy during orgasm."

Rounding out the cast is the Glen Close of the group, Estrogen, or "The Queen." She may not be as powerful an influence as Testosterone, or Zeus, but she does run most of the male brain circuits and can even influence him to cuddle and relate by stimulating production of her sidekick, oxytocin.

Together these hormones, at least according to Brizendine, are largely responsible for almost any behavior, from the sometimes peculiar, previously inexplicable actions of male babies all the way to the presumably laid back behavior of the elderly male.

Why Bart Simpson is Bart Simpson

When Bart was in the womb, Testosterone and Mullerian Inhibiting Substance worked together to masculinize his brain circuits and wipe out any developing female traits.

Marge, had she compared his newborn actions to those of any female babies she'd seen, might notice that Bart was hard wired to motion rather than human faces.

He'd much prefer to watch the geometric shapes of a mobile than momma's face. Momma shouldn't worry too much, though, as baby boys can bond with her without as much mutual gazing as a baby girl requires.

Marge should also keep in mind that from birth to about the age of one, a boy's brain is being marinated--pickled, if you prefer—in Testosterone levels that approximate that of an adult male's. After the first year, T levels go down considerably, but MIS levels remain high until he's about ten.

As a result of this, Bart is hard-wired to the rough housing and risk taking that define an average boy's first decade of life. Further complicating the matter is the dopamine rush that he gets from taking risks. Oh, he doesn't necessarily want to get hurt, but the rush from all that risk makes it worth it.

Maddeningly to many mothers, a boy of only 7 months old can recognize if mom is angry or afraid, but by 12 months he develops immunity towards it. The same look that stopped Lisa in her tracks would have little to no effect on Bart.

Besides, most of that rough housing and risk taking is merely a means by which social ranking can be determined. If a boy had too little Testosterone during the first few months of his life or a lack of MIS, his competitive drive might not be up to snuff, and as a result he may quickly acquire the mantle of loser and be doomed to lackey status for his entire childhood and adolescence.

Oddly enough, Bart starts to smell like sweaty socks by the time he's 11 or so, but it's usually not because of poor hygiene. Instead, it's caused by the release of the hormone androstenedione.

The Wonder Years

By the age of 14, the average boy goes over to what Star War's fans refer to as "The Dark Side." The kid that idolized you, that wanted to go wherever dad did, that hung on his every word, suddenly thinks he's an asshole.

He's sullen, irritable, and the natural impulse is to assume that Junior's mainlining heroin.

It's not Junior's fault. Millions of androgen receptors in his brain are suddenly being flooded by Testosterone and he might as well have joined the ranks of Darth Vader.

Brizendine offers the following comparative analogy: if Testosterone were beer, the average 9-year-old is getting one cup of beer a day, while the average 14-year-old is getting two gallons of beer a day.

That's right, Junior's drunk on Testosterone. Consequently, his brain's sex circuits have grown twice the size of the average girl of the same age. Vasopressin, acting in concert with Testosterone, has made him territorial and painfully sensitive to the putdowns of his peers.

This same repeated surge of vasopressin is also causing him to see neutral faces as hostile, fostering a paranoid, me against the world outlook.

While these brain circuits will almost certainly stabilize in his late teens or his early twenties, everyone in Junior's sphere should buckle up because it's going to be a bumpy ride.

And while his parents assume that his disinterested attitude is just a façade, chances are he really is bored. His pleasure centers are nearly numb when compared to that of children or adults. As such, it takes something huge to get a rise out of him. If the stimulus doesn't frighten or shock him, his demeanor is probably indistinguishable from the mackerel behind the glass at the sushi counter.

And his inability to concentrate? Perfectly understandable, according to Brizendine. Junior sits down to do his homework filled with good intention. His pre-frontal cortex (the area responsible for attention and good judgment) begins flickering with activity.

Simultaneously and unavoidably, vasopressin and Testosterone levels rise and activate his sex and aggression circuits.

When the smirking image of Luke Larva, the classmate who pantsed him at the high school assembly, pops up in his mind, the stress hormone cortisol rises, activating his amygdala, or fear center, none of which is good for conjugating verbs, studying the economy of Peru, or doing calculus.

If conditions weren't bad enough, there are those images of naked female classmates and Megan Fox that keep popping up in his head. Jerking off might help temporarily, but on average he's already jerked off three times and it didn't do much good in calming his sexual demons.

The Parent Trap

It's likely that some day, Junior will have his own family, but if he thinks he'll be free of neurohormonal influences, he's woefully wrong.

In fact, that first French kiss he had with his future wife was, according to Brizendine, simply a "taste test," where the couple exchanged genetic information encoded in the saliva.

If the taste test is positive and all other conditions are conducive to their union, it will culminate in the conception of a baby. Don't think that it's only the mother that's at the beck and call of her hormones, though.

Often, when Junior's wife is pregnant with his child, his Testosterone level will drop up to 33% and his prolactin levels will rise up to 20%, which may actually cause varying degrees of a condition known as Couvade Syndrome, otherwise known as sympathetic pregnancy.

The father-to-be may actually gain weight, just like momma. He might also begin cleaning house and putting things in order, otherwise known as nesting.

As soon as the baby is born, in fact, often 1/7^th of a second after seeing baby's eyes and pudgy cheeks, daddy experiences a surge of dopamine and oxytocin, which activates a special brain area called the parental-instinct-area.

In short, the dopamine release causes the father to experience almost an "addiction" to the child, which is complimented by the father/son bond strengthening actions of oxytocin.

This may go a long way in explaining why the poor schlub bought a Prius and hung a "Baby on Board" sign in the rear window.

Luckily for dad, his Testosterone levels usually return to pre-fatherhood levels by the time his hormone manipulating spawn is ambulatory.

Adulthood and Beyond

It seems that adult males, on average, never completely dump all the hormonal influences that have largely determined their course since birth.

Testosterone and vasopressin continue to influence male behavior while estrogen and oxytocin influence female behavior.

Getting angry in traffic, worrying about the job, worrying about your place in the hierarchy of your workmates, the inability to ask for directions, and the maddening habit (at least to females) of repressing all emotions except anger continue to plague males well into adult hood and middle age.

The hormones that pickled our brains and brain circuits taught us to be strong, brave, and independent, writes Brizendine, but despite them, she believes that men may crave cuddling and closeness as much as women. Unfortunately, given the accepted behavioral norms of our society, men who seek closeness are deemed soft or weak.

Things often change, though, when a man enters his 50's or 60's. Testosterone levels have dropped, vasopressin has dropped, and the ratio of estrogen to Testosterone has increased.

The resulting hormonal milieu leads to a man who is kinder, gentler, more patient, more tolerant, and apt to enjoy giving pleasure (to his partner) more than receiving it.

Cruelly, perhaps, just as a man is losing his physical desirability by the bucketful, he's become behaviorally more like the ideal man most women say they crave.

Naked Came the Snorkeler

As enticing as Brizendine's theories are, they're a little bit troubling because they seem to almost entirely eliminate personal responsibility.

If her findings were more broadly accepted, virtually any criminal, miscreant, bad husband, or naughty child could use "bad balance of chemicals" as his defense, which is simply a more biological version of "The Devil made me do it."

The advantage of understanding the source of your feelings and motivations can't be understated, though. Knowing why you might feel or want to act in a certain way seems to be hugely advantageous if you want self-mastery, and it definitely helps in understanding the actions of other males.

But that brings us back to my initial question. Why did nakedness cause me to drop anchor, so to speak?

If you asked Brizendine, she might attribute it to an elaborate scheme played out by dopamine release (caused by the act of doing something "naughty") and the ever-powerful father hormone, Testosterone, along with the implied sex suggested by nakedness.

Of course, if I can use my dog as an example, he gets a hard-on a couple dozen times a day. It might be because he's about to get a meal, because we're about to go for a walk, because we're about to play fetch, or because we're going nude snorkeling.

Maybe he gets an erection because he's just healthy and excited about life and a throbbing boner isn't always sexual and it could just be more indicative of robust health than a certificate of wellness from the Mayo Clinic.

Maybe a hard-on is sometimes just a hard-on.

THE SOUND AND THE FURY: T NATION READER MAIL

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— TC