The Atomic Dog is a weekly feature that isn't necessarily about weight training or bodybuilding. Sometimes it's about sports in general, sex, women, or male issues of some kind. At times it's inspirational, but it can also be informative, funny, and even a little weird, but hopefully, always interesting and a little controversial. We hope it reflects the nature of Testosterone magazine in that, just as no man is completely one-dimensional and only interested in one subject, neither are we. If it makes you think or laugh — or even get angry — it's served its purpose.

Cocksucker. Wow, I’ve never written that word before; hardly ever said that word before but given that it’s gotten so much use lately, I thought I’d take it out for a spin. Cocksucker. Not bad, but as a word it’s remarkably devoid of subtlety. It’s like using a sledgehammer to open a steamed clam when a butter knife would do the trick.

I first started thinking about the word when it was uttered about a dozen times last week on the debut of HBO’s new Western series, "Deadwood".

Who’da thunk that word was even around back in the mid 1800’s? I expected plenty of dadburn varmints and a few consarnits, but "cock sucking whore"? Caught me completely off guard.

Another place I didn’t expect to see the word cocksucker was in a bill introduced to the House of Representatives, but sure enough there it was in between a bunch of other naughty words in H.R. 3687. The bill is designed to punish television and radio broadcasters for using profane language and the pertinent portion of the amendment decries the use of "shit", "piss", "fuck", "cunt", "asshole", and the phrases "cock sucker", "mother fucker", and "ass hole".

The bill also attempts to anticipate any usage of the preceding words:

"...compound use (including hyphenated compounds) of such words and phrases with each other or with other words or phrases, and other grammatical forms of such words and phrases (including verb, adjective, gerund, participle, and infinitive forms)."

Too bad the grammar experts forgot that a couple of those words could be used as adverbs if you get real creative. That’s fucking exquisite. What a bunch of maroons.

What’s the penalty for using any of these words? Well, the Senate wants to be able to levy a fine of $275,000 for violators but the House of Representatives, in a bold display of one-upsmanship, wants the fine to be $500,000 regardless of ability to pay.

All this hysteria because of Tittygate; all this because of a nanosecond flash of a breast on national television. One wonders if the freakin’ Taliban would have responded with such righteous vigor in similar circumstances. Somewhere in some special Hell, the Puritans are nodding in approval.

No one’s safe, either. Radio and television stations are going Mr. Rogers on us; doing everything they can to assure that no profanity or illicit image slips through. CBS plans to institute a 10-second delay during the upcoming broadcasts of the Final Four because, I dunno, the starting guard for the Syracuse Orangemen might start buggering the center for the Vanderbilt Pants Salesman in celebration after a particularly good 3-point shot. Either that, or often overzealous Dick Vitale might scream out, "Fucking A, baby! Way to sink that cocksucker!"

Or consider that Clear Channel, the Evil Empire of radio broadcasting, is looking into buying equipment that will allow a full 20-second delay just in case, I suppose, someone lets rip a particularly long litany of cuss words, one reminiscent of the one I let loose at Chris Shugart when he spilled a Yoo-Hoo down my keyboard and I had to write several Atumic Dug columns without the use of the letter "o".

Pretty soon, they’ll even start putting a delay on children’s shows. Oops, too late. MTV plans a delay for Nickelodeon’s "U-Pick Live" game show because it’s quite possible that one group of kids would start calling the other group cunts when they sank more Nerf balls into the basket than their team.

And lo, the editing of TV shows has begun in earnest. On the episode of E.R. that aired the week after the Super Bowl, the shots of a withered old woman’s deflated breast were snipped out because a naked 90-year-old woman with tubes in her nose might be construed by the Puritans as overtly sexual. This week’s episode of "Without a Trace" had a scene where a suspect leaps out of the bathtub and starts hoofing it down the street. In a panic fueled by fear of monetary fines, it was re-edited to remove even a glimpse of the suspect’s hairy fugitive butt.

Worse yet, the fines and firings have already begun. Sandra Tsing Loh, a commentator on NPR–friggin’ NPR!—was fired because, while doing a pre-recorded monologue on sewing, she uttered a profanity and her editor forgot to bleep it. "Knit one, purl two...Fuck! Jabbed my damn finger!"

Imagine the horror the three or four children who were listening to NPR must have felt! Well, at least that Asian bitch won’t be around to hurt them anymore!

And then there’s Howard Stern. He hasn’t changed the content of his radio show in years but for some reason the FCC has suddenly decided that Howard is offensive. Ironically, hypocritically, Howard’s been fined for using some of the same language that Oprah used on her daytime TV show while discussing oral sex with teenage guests. Go figure.

To add insult to injury, Evil Empire Clear Channel took Howard off the air in six radio markets. Man, if that guy doesn’t stop with the sexual shenanigans, he’s going to lose his 8 million rabid fans...what’s that, the reason they listen to Howard is to hear sexual shenanigans? Ho-ly H.R. 3687!

It seems the FCC and Clear Channel picked on the wrong guy. Howard, except for a few minor forays into politics over the years, has been largely apolitical. No more. He’s calling for a "Million Moron March" against the current administration, vowing that he’ll be able to sway the election against President Bush. Given his demographics and his popularity, it’s quite possible he could do just that.

Most recently, Simon on "American Idol" was caught on camera resting his hand against his face–with his middle finger extended–while fellow judge Paula Abdul droned on in her usual simple-minded way. Simon and FOX are now under siege, even though his unfortunate hand pose might have been inadvertent. If it wasn’t inadvertent, good for him because someone needs to give Paula Abdul the finger.

FCC head Michael Powell, son of Colin Powell, says that H.R. 3687 "...sends a signal to the industry that the gratuitous use of such vulgar language on broadcast television will not be tolerated. We need to do this to protect the children." (Never mind that three years ago Powell said that "...there are a lot of things children shouldn’t see, but I don’t know that I want the Government as my nanny.")

Excuse me, Michael, Michael lapdog, but screw the children.

If the briefest glimpse of a partially denuded tit is going to upset your kid, in Howard Stern’s words, your kid’s a homo.

When I was ten years old I use to hide copies of "Playboy" and "Hustler" in the woods near my house and bicycle out to leer at them after dinner. Did I grow up depraved? Okay, bad example. Is little Chris Kochmanski, who used to accompany me to the woods, depraved? No. He’s in advertising.

And the notion that vulgar language is going to somehow render the moral fabric of the children is ludicrous. I mean, what actually is a swear word or cuss word? Why is the word fellatio more acceptable than blow job or for that matter, cock sucker? It all means the same glorious thing. Why is anus more acceptable than ass hole? I don’t get it. They’re just words that were deemed profane by tight-assed white men who in life were quite composed but who are now decomposed.

I’ve got an idea; I’m going to make up a word and declare that it’s vulgar. Let’s see...okay, I’ve got it. From now on, the word schnookie-pookie is obscene. And since most profanity has to do with body parts or sexual function, a schnookie-pookie is when making love, a girl sticks a finger up the guy’s butt. The two of you are deep in the throes of carnal love when all of a sudden, out of the blue, schnookie-pookie!

If you really want to complain about children being exposed to vulgarity, take a look at junior’s CD collection. Take a listen to something by 50 Cent, or my favorite, Peaches. Why don’t the Feds go after them?

I better shut up because that’s probably their next step.

If I had a kid, I wouldn’t care if I caught him looking at picture of a dwarf giving a hummer to a goat. Believe me, if you raise a kid right; teach him to be honest, non-violent unless there’s no other alternative, and respectful of all life, believe me, he won’t be pleasuring sheep for pay when he grows up, regardless of whether he’s a dwarf or not.

This is a scary situation and the next place that this Western Taliban could attack is the Internet. It’s more than possible—it’s quite likely. There’s even a little publicized Porn Czar in Washington now whose job it is to "clean up" the Internet. What’s even scarier is what he and people like him will label as porn or harmful to children. It’s like my mother who once, in a cleaning frenzy, Ajaxed my baseball that was autographed by the entire 1968 World Series Champion Detroit Tigers. I saw all that ink as valuable beyond words but to her it was just dirt to be erased. Wiped clean were the memories, the sweat, the history, and all that was left was a perfectly white baseball.

Combine all this hysteria with the recent crusades against ephedra and pro-hormones and what we’ve got is a not-so gradual erasure of our personal freedoms. What’s next? Make masturbation illegal? Sure, take away all my hobbies; take away all that’s dear to me.

I hope this is just election year bullshit. The alternative is just too fucking depressing to contemplate. I hope it’s nothing more than the Puritanical cause of the moment and things go back to normal and the First Amendment is again considered a pretty important and wonderful thing.

If that happens, I’ll go back to giving the Puritans the same time-honored advice that’s worked well for decades; I’ll even write it in Puritan-ese so that they can more easily understand it:

If what thee are watching offends thee, switch thee the channel.