ATOMIC DOG31 Reasons to Keep on Living
1. The high-horsepower Chevy Camaro, Ford Mustang, and Dodge Challenger have been resurrected. They're horribly politically incorrect, an insult to the earth. But they're glorious. No matter, you'll look good in it when you're driving to hell, hopefully with a couple of big-tit blondes jammed in the bucket seat next to you.
2. The FDA has approved a new female condom. The FC2 is an upgrade from the FC, which is still on the market. In addition to being thinner, the FC2 conducts body heat better, is thinner, and is "less noisy" than its predecessor. I have no idea what they mean by "noisy," but maybe it screams during sex, in which case the manufacturer could remedy the problem by shoving a tiny pair of panties in its mouth during intercourse.
3. Scientists have developed a hand-held laser that can be mounted on aerial drones and used to blast mosquitoes out of the night sky, which, if you ask me, puts the Wii to shame.
4. Star Trek Blu-Ray box-set compilations.
5. Scratch off one more medical malady! A stalwart Viennese chemist figured out that bellybutton lint is a fetid combination of clothing fibers, sweat, dust, and fat wicked into the naval by body hairs. The chemist, however, after a three-year study, figured out that shaving off the hair around the naval remedies the problem: no more navel lint.
6. There's talk of a sequel to The Big Lebowski.
7. Italian scientists have discovered that the gas that gives stink to rotten eggs and farts can be used to cure erectile dysfunction.
8. The adult entertainment industry-focused hedge fund AdultVest has developed a pornographic mobile Web application for the iPhone called iPorn. Soon the iPhone will cost $5, come with an iCondom, and be able to scrub your toilet.
9. If you're on that fool Anabolic Diet, consider the Bacontini, as presented in the San Diego Union:
3 ounces vodka
Dash olive juice
1 slice cooked bacon
Mist the martini glass with vermouth and rim the edge with bacon grease. Mix vodka, Tabasco, and olive juice in an ice-filled cocktail shaker. Shake well and strain into cocktail glass. Garnish with bacon slice. Don bowling shoes and serve with cubes of chilled lard.
10. Scientists have discovered that the Testosterone levels of women rise when they are consensually flogged, spanked, or placed in bondage. Hey, it's nice when science legitimizes one of your fetishes.
11. While HBO stuck its cleats in the face of every sports fan by giving Bob Costas' show to lackluster, puffball announcer Joe Buck, we at least got to experience a bit of schadenfreude when Howard Stern regular Artie Lange high-jacked the inaugural Joe Buck Live earlier this week.
Highlight: Buck's been derided in the past for admitting that he doesn't even watch sports and that his favorite show is The Batchelor, but when he declared on his show that his favorite website was the gossip site TMZ, Artie Lange responded: "Joe, TMZ is your favorite website? What's your second, suckingcock.com?"
Lange continued in pretty much the same way for the rest of the show, exposing the major holes in Buck's hosting abilities. It was ugly, it was rude, it was unforgiveable, but damn, I liked it and I look forward to the day Buck gets kicked to the curb.
12. The Bristol Palin porn movie. You know it's only a matter of time.
13. Craig Ferguson, host of CBS' Late Late Show, is the funniest fuck on television.
14. The smart Finnish bastards at Nokia have developed a cellphone that recharges itself by harvesting ambient radio waves from the air and turning that energy into usable power. That means no wires of any kind. While they've developed a prototype, the device probably won't be on the market for 3 to 5 years. Maybe other products will be able to utilize the technology, too; things like iPods, computers, and vibrating underpants.
15. A British woman, while searching online for a male stripper to entertain her friend at her bachelorette party, stumbled across a porn video outtake that starred the bride's fiancé. When confronted, Jason Brake confessed that he wasn't a personal trainer, but was earning money from making porn. Fiancé Haylie Hocking, 27, immediately called off the wedding, saying, "I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again."
I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me, how many times I fell in love with some peach of a girl and got engaged only to find out she was the AVN awards finalist for "best anal scene," so it's nice to see the tables turned on a woman.
16. The Tokyo-based Nakabayashi Company has developed a 1,300-pound machine that converts paper waste into toilet paper. The machine is capable of producing two rolls per hour from approximately 1,800 sheets of standard paper. The price tag is $95,000, but I calculated that the average household, using approximately 2 rolls a week, could recoup the purchase price in 487 years. However, a household that has a big-eating bodybuilder or weightlifter as a member would recoup the purchase price in about 6 weeks.
17. Glenn Beck announced on Fox and Friends that he could not debunk rumors that the Obama Whitehouse, using FEMA, was building concentration camps as part of a conspiracy to warehouse neocons, wingnuts, and dittoheads, thereby establishing totalitarian rule.
While Beck could not debunk the rumor, he did confirm that he's the world's number one asshole and supreme douchebag, and my deep, deep, desire to anally rape him with Senator Ted Kennedy's walking stick on live television gives me a reason to keep on living.
18. The Japanese have invented disposable canned vaginas. Each anime-decorated can contains a pink, viscous, appropriately lubed-up polymer with a pre-formed slit. Personally, this doesn't hold much appeal, but I have to admire their entrepreneurial spirit.
19. Tara Babcock (see photo) just entered my hyperactive sexual fantasy world last week. Now if she came out with a signature-model canned vagina, I'd have to reconsider my views on the product.
20. Infamous, the new video game for PlayStation 3. While lots of video games are designed to make you feel like a superhero, Infamous is being heralded as the first one that delivers on its promise.
The premise of the game is this: You're Cole, a messenger in New York. Play begins after a cataclysmic explosion turns the city into a quarantined ghetto. Fortunately, you awake with superpowers and the ability to restore some semblance of order to the city...if you so choose. The alternative is to fend solely for yourself and exploit the weak.
The heart of Infamous is, according to NYT reviewer Seth Schiesel, "its outstanding physics model and the literally towering verticality of the Empire City environment itself."
"Standing on a ledge or rooftop you can survey huge swaths of the ruined city around you, and you can jump and hover just about anywhere. Sprinting along roofs, scaling walls, sliding across cables—it all creates a viscerally joyful sense of fluid environment."
21. Larry David, co-creator of Seinfeld, was on Conan the other night and he talked about how he's not very discriminating when it comes to dating. "If I was attracted to an anti-Semite," he explained, "I would sleep with her. I would. Absolutely. I'd be in bed with her and I'd be hearing stuff like, 'You Jew bastard,' 'You vile money lender,' and I would keep going."
Larry David exists to say stuff life that for the rest of us, thereby serving as a relief valve for the rest of humanity. His latest work, Curb Your Enthusiasm, returns to HBO this fall.
22. The latest issue of Scientific American Mind is dedicated entirely to sex. We may actually know soon what women want.
23. Dexter, everybody's favorite serial killer with a heart of gold, is coming back to Showtime next month.
By the way, you can now pre-order the 7-inch tall Dexter action figure. It comes with interchangeable arms, allowing you to transform him from your favorite serial killer with a heart of gold to blood-splatter expert. The action figure comes with a knife, body bag, ID badge, and a blood slide.
Hell, we all have friends with kids that we're certain are going to grow up to be serial killers, so it's nice to finally be able to give them a gift that will nurture their talents.
24. If you're lucky enough to have a girl head south on you, it's pretty much expected that you've done your manscaping. Part of it's hygiene, part of it's to make your child-sized dick look bigger, part of it's allowing easy access to the goodies, and part of it's homeland security, as we all must do what we can to give the terrorists as few places to hide as possible. Enter the upgraded Bodygroom by Norelco.
The new Bodygroom is a wet or dry shaver that grooms all areas south of the neck, including your cock and balls, without cutting or tugging (provided you shave with the grain). The rechargeable Bodygroom comes with a two interchangeable heads, one a foil number for ultra-close trimming, and one a clipper attachment that lets you regulate the length of the hair.
The thing sells for $40 and I liked mine so much that I went a little overboard and gave myself the total Bruno...well, except for the asshole bleaching. Here's Bruno himself talking about the subject:
"It's [bodygrooming] more zan okay; it is most essential. Be careful if you do it yourself, though—yesterday ich tried to self-wax mein arschenhaller und glued meinself to ze bed. Manscaping ist important, but not as crucial as getting regular anal bleaching. If Brüno didn't get his schmutziger arschenhaller bleached twice a month, his shtinker vould resemble Dizzy Gillespie during a trumpet solo.
"In Austria anal bleaching ist considered so important zat it's paid for by ze state. In fact, you cannot run for office if you don't have a vhite arschwitz. Indeed, ex-chancellor Kurt Waldheim vas elected on ze back of a prishtine anus. Zere are added benefits to getting ze bleaching—on my last session, mein beautician, Klaus, found ze long-lost head of a David Beckham action figure up zere."
25. The third season of Mad Men starts this August, making men pine for a time when slugging down bourbon during the workday was not only common but expected, and intersex office hijinks were important for relieving stress.
And get this: on Fridays, men and secretaries played a little game where the men chased the secretaries, cornered them, and removed their panties. Girls always wore their prettiest panties on Fridays.
Sigh. Where's that bourbon?
26. Speaking of bourbon, Bulleit bourbon is worth staying alive for. High rye content, absence of phenol alcohol, and at least six years of aging. Delicious. What's more it gives you courage to pull the panties off your secretary.
27. The Kindle. It's a 1/3 of inch thick, weighs 10 ounces, and it stores over 1,500 books. While I worry that this wireless reader will eventually kill books and magazines, I can't resist the cool factor. This thing will download books (usually for a reduced price) in less than 60 seconds using radio waves, so you don't need no wires or stinkin' Internet connection.
What's more, you can download international newspapers and magazines.
The Kindle display reads like real paper, and since it isn't affected by glare, you can enjoy it outdoors. Other features include a text-to-speech application where your books are read to you in a sexy (in a geek sort of way), mechanical, female Stephen Hawking voice. Sure it's almost $500, but it's definitely badass.
28. In about 4 or 5 weeks, Biotest is going to do something big.
Dr. Heywood Floyd: What's gonna happen?
29. Just about every girl in the country appears to be bi-sexual or "bi-curious." As such, your odds of engaging in a threesome have increased exponentially.
This, however, brings up a question of protocol. For the life of me, I've no idea of the proper etiquette concerning rubbers. Do you keep throwing new rubbers on as you move from woman to woman? I can see this as problematical.
Do you emulate the myopic Teddy Roosevelt, who, in the Spanish American war, rode into battle with a dozen pairs of eyeglasses affixed to his uniform, whipping on a new one whenever needed?
Thanks up front for any info any of you can provide on this delicate matter.
30. No matter how bad your life is going, it pales in comparison to the life of Walter White of the AMC drama, Breaking Bad. Walter was an accomplished chemist whose colleagues have all gone on to high-paying jobs, but the only work Walter can find is as a high school chemistry teacher in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
He's been diagnosed with stage-three lung cancer. He's got a teenage kid with cerebral palsy. His wife just gave birth to a baby (an accidental pregnancy). He's in debt up to his cancer-ridden lungs, so he resorts to cooking meth.
Watch him slowly morph from husband, father, high-school chemistry teacher, to Scarface.
Season 3 can't start soon enough.
31. Wii sex games. You know they're coming. Not that I'll be using one, thank you, but the thought of you using one amuses the hell out of me.
The Dodge Challenger SRT8
The girls of iPorn.
Craig Ferguson, host of The Late Late Show.
The quasi-onomatopoetically named Tara Babcock.
The full Bruno.
New from Japan, vagina in a can!
The Dexter action figure is the perfect gift for fledgling serial killers.
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