The following Atomic Dog was first posted on 5/17/02.
2. When you get out of bed to go to the bathroom, we put your panties over our noses and start breathing in deeply like the Dennis Hopper character in "Blue Velvet."
3. Our idea of a self-help book is TV Guide.
4. Our penises really do have minds of their own. They also have a nifty little timeshare of their own in the Hamptons. On any given weekend, you can see scores of them out there water-skiing, antiqueing, or lunching on fajitas.
5. If you have any videotapes that contain precious memories, do yourself a favor and knock out that little plastic tab. Otherwise, when our friend lends us a really hot porn video and we want to copy it, we wouldn't think twice about recording over our wedding video.
6. We fantasize about having the ideal family, but our ideal family is the Sopranos. Take for instance your sister. If she started yapping about her latest boyfriend or complaining about why we don't get "a real job," we'd have Pauly or Big Pussy rub her out.
7. We masturbate all the time when you're not around. In fact, house dust is nothing but desiccated semen.
8. Contrary to what we tell you, "little elves" have not stolen all of your Victoria's Secret Catalogs. In truth, we've stolen them all from your night stand for the last 10 years and they're piled up in our sock drawers.
9. When we're alone in the house, we grunt, forage for food, and scratch our bodies unashamedly. In fact, when we're alone, our behavior is pretty much indistinguishable from that of Dian Fosse's beloved mountain gorillas
10. While we like the card you bought us for Valentine's Day, we'd much rather that you shaved your pubes into a little heart and hid chocolate Easter eggs in there, thereby killing two holidays at once.
11. Perfume is fine, but if you really want to drive us wild, rub a gooey cinnamon bun over your neck and ears.
12. For every stuffed animal or ceramic turtle decorating the bedroom, the angle of our erections drops one degree.
13. Chances are, we've stuck our dick through any remotely round object in the house, so you may want to wash out the napkin rings before you set the Thanksgiving dinner table.
14. We pray that your birthday or our anniversary doesn't fall on the day the new "Star Wars" movie opens up, or for that matter, when the NBA playoffs begin, or when it's the day of the Super Bowl, or the first game of the World Series, or the day of the NFL draft, or when TBS is showing "Lethal Weapon" for the 80th time, etc.
15. If we watch "Felicity" with you, it sure as hell ain't because of the story line. The truth is, that curly-haired little vixen kinda' turns us on.
16. There's a small erogenous zone about the size of a dime up our right nostril. No, no, forget what Cosmo tells you about our erogenous zones. We've got one. It's 5 to 7 inches long, slightly reddish and angry looking, and we prefer you address it as Shamu, Conan, or Two-Ton Tony.
17. Our idea of ballet is the gun battle in any John Woo movie.
18. Screw the romantic meal and the mood music. If you want to be laid properly, screw a red light bulb into your bedside lamp. Either that or just show up.
19. Our tear ducts are largely vestigial organs, but they do spout a few paltry tears when Old Yeller dies at the end of the movie, and when we learned that Denise Richards is getting married to Charlie Sheen.
20. We don't like it when your dildo is bigger than we are, not that that's possible, no siree, no way.
21. The Corpus Spongiosum is not Chrysler's follow-up to the LeBaron.
22. The next time you want to criticize us, please remember that, unlike you, we'll never experience the miracle of birth. (Like we care.)
23. Your Ricky Martin CD is cracked because we used it to prop up our TV dinner tray when you were visiting your mother.
24. Most of us would give up a week's pay just to see you in your bra.
25. Men have a sense of smell that's over 1,000 times more sensitive than yours. Oh, wait a minute, I was thinking about dogs. Never mind.
26. We have trouble urinating at ball games. This is either because the alcohol in the beer has caused our prostates to swell (thereby impeding the flow of urine); because the bladder has been stretched too far by all that beer and won't contract properly; or because we have "Shy bladder syndrome," a psychological condition that causes our urinary sphincters to tighten up and prevent our bladders from contracting. Or, it could be that we just forgot to unzip our pants.
27. If it weren't for women nagging us, we'd never go to the doctor. Ever. Even if we had an ice pick imbedded in our right eye.
28. Things we find beautiful: a double play; a walk-off home run in the bottom of the ninth; a game-winning three-pointer with no time left on the clock; an 80-yard TD pass in overtime; and oh yeah, sunsets and stuff, I guess.
29. We have much greater upper body strength than women, but our breasts aren't nearly as nice.
30. If we're single, we desperately want to be married. If we're married, we desperately want to be single. Please kill us now.
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