Picture in your mind every muscular, ripped, or strong dude in your gym. Now think about every smokin' hot female in your gym who blesses the benches daily with her perky derriere. Not the "kinda cute" females mind you, but the sizzling I'd - give - my - left - nut - just - for - a - sip - of - her - bathwater females.
Okay, now picture all those man-faced, steroid-using women in your gym. Once you have that disturbing image ingrained on your frontal lobe, toss in a few of those pasty-white chubby dudes who don't really train but who pay the scary she-males to put them in scissor-locks and sit on their faces.
Now, imagine that all the muscle-dudes and all the fitness model hotties and all the she-males and all their "schmoes" from every gym in the world all descended upon one city at the same time. Wouldn't that be the craziest spectacle you've ever seen?
Well, it happens every single year in Columbus, Ohio. It's called the Arnold Sports Festival, a bodybuilding, Figure, fitness, Olympic lifting, strongman, fencing, cheerleading, dancing, martial arts, archery, arm wrestling, running, gymnastics, boxing, powerlifting, and cycling mega-event. Oh, and ping-pong too. (Yes, really.)
Throw in a couple of debauched after-parties and a little depravity and you have yourself a fun weekend. I know because I was there in the thick of it this year.
For this article, my goal is to give you an idea of what this fitness orgy is all about, as well as cover the EXPO scene, the competitions, and, of course, provide you with plenty of hoochie pics and videos.
So let's get to it!
What do you get when you mix 650 booths with 150,000 swag-hungry attendees? Chaos. It was assholes and elbows this year at the EXPO, with a thousand half-naked booth babes giving away supplement samples and demo'ing new training gear.
In the middle of the EXPO was the event stage, featuring everything from arm-wresting to Figure prelims. Check out what the crowd looks like when a dozen of the tightest females in fitness hit the stage:
Here are some other things that, for better or worse, caught my eye:
Oh my, the supplement industry is really getting innovative, isn't it? Chocolate milk! Truly cutting edge here, folks!
You may remember a few studies showing that low-fat chocolate milk is good to drink around training time because it contains carbs and protein. Well, the milk folks have capitalized on that and have now launched the "Re-Fuel with Chocolate Milk" campaign.
But it's just chocolate milk. None of the bad stuff taken out, no extra aminos added in. Just the usual eight measly grams of protein combined with a ton of high fructose corn syrup – same stuff that has been making people fat for years. Lame. And the flabby untrained people handing out samples didn't help.
What's next? Maybe La-Z-Boy is going to start marketing their recliners as an exercise device since you kinda sorta have to do a squat to stand up.
The feminist movement took a few steps backward when the Venom girls started playing Twister. It was skanky and lewd and vulgar. Two thumbs up!
To balance out the hoochiness of the Venom booth, we got the Dymatize cereal girls:
Aw, aren't they wholesome? Too bad their product wasn't.
This "elite cereal" tasted like you mixed whey protein powder with water and poured it over regular cereal, which, um, is basically what it seems to be. I mean, I could never pour a whey protein shake over generic Fruit Loops all by myself! That's innovation, brother!
So, you admit to using steroids. Then a supplement company hires you to say you built your muscles using their pills and powders? Um, okay. Canseco seemed to spend most of his time macking on the hired booth booty anyway:
...and I don't blame him one bit. This might have been the sexiest outfit I've ever seen, and yet it didn't show an inch of skin!
On a side note, both at the EXPO and the after-party, people kept walking by yelling "juicer!" and "steroid user!" at Canseco. Uh, you're at the Arnold. Calling someone a juicer here is like walking into a porn convention and calling the women sluts. It's, you know, kinda the whole idea.
Meriza, a T-Nation and MWA member, turned pro last year. This sweetheart had everyone, including the news media, lined up to talk to her.
By the way, I reviewed her Art of Figure DVD and it's pretty good if you're new to the Figure scene.
You may remember fitness model Clark Bartram from the dozens of muscle magazine covers he's been on, or from the infamous EAS "evolution" ad:
Clark is still doing his thing, but now he also teaches others how to break into the fitness model biz with his book and DVD on the subject.
Anyone interested in seeing an interview with him for T-Nation? He's willin' if you're wantin'!
Speaking of TC's old stomping grounds, EAS probably had the biggest, most elaborate booth this year, complete with TV studio, their own version of Deal or No Deal featuring babes holding up boxes of Myoplex instead of suitcases, and several notable athletes like Vernon Davis of the 49ers.
What was missing? Bodybuilding. EAS seems to be all about pro-athletes these days, with nary a peaked bicep or shaven chest in sight, which maybe isn't such a bad thing. Still, odd to see them totally abandon bodybuilding.
Lots of booths this year featured attendee participation, including pornographic man-faced-chick push-ups:
Strongman stone lifting, which I never saw anyone actually complete:
Punching power tests:
And a plethora of grip strength challenges, which again, most people failed at miserably:
And my personal favorite, the Try - Not - To - Spontaneously - Orgasism - When - Getting - A - Sample - Product - From - This - Trio test:
I personally failed this one at least three times.
"Abdominal Training Wheels." No shit, I think they were serious:
Suggested retail price: about $80.
Wolf from the new American Gladiators was there. For the record, he seemed to enjoy every minute of it, unlike some "celebs" who looked like they were just waiting to get it over with.
Booth booty, sample sluts, hood honeys... whatever clever alliterative name you give them, they were out in force:
I'm not sure what the Eightball supplement company is thinking here, but this "booth babe" didn't exactly make me want to come sample their products.
But it's nice to know that Jon Bon Jovi and Bret Michaels have started lifting weights:
Sorry, fellas, looks like the blond below is wearing a wedding band. Darn the luck.
Wonder Woman, now retired, was there this year:
This attendee walked around without his shirt on half the day. No one was really sure why:
Please Lord, don't let her be sampling a fat burner:
The kettlebell folks were there again this year, trying to convince bodybuilders that kettlebells are superior, despite the fact that all the bodybuilders were twice their size:
Note to Dorian Yates: If you want anyone to pay attention to you, don't stand beside a picture of Jamie Eason. They won't even look your way, bro.
Speaking of ex-pros, several were there this year, and most were largely ignored, including Frank Zane:
Sergio Oliva:
And Lou Ferrigno. (He was the Hulk on TV, ya know. He wears a T-shirt in case you forget. And he charges for photos. Cost of this photo? Zilch! Gotcha, Lou!)
This is why you don't pass out magazines and thick catalogs at the Arnold. This pile of discarded catalogs was located about ten feet from the booth giving them out. People would eat the protein bar and dump the catalog as fast as they could:
Chubster Chef Jay of Tri-O-Plex protein bar fame was there displaying what happens if you make soy-laden "Protein Puffs" and bars that don't always meet label claims and then eat a whole bunch of them:
Oh, and of course Arnold made his usual chaotic EXPO walk-though:
Biotest's own Gina Aliotti took the Figure crown this year:
Dexter Jackson won the Arnold Classic:
Zydrunas Savickas won the Strongman title:
And dig this video of the "Timber Lift," which is basically the Farmer's Carry using 865 pounds of barn timbers tied together. Contestants had 30 seconds to carry the load up a 32 foot inclined ramp. This behemoth makes it look easy!
Yaxeni Oriquen took the Ms. International winnings:
And Kimberly Klein won the Fitness show:
Sorry, not sure who won the ping-pong, er, I mean Professional Table Tennis Championship, but probably one of these studs:
Is it just me, or does the guy in blue remind you of someone else?
There were a couple of big after-parties this year. I attended madman Jason Dhir's Charity After-Bash V with Jose Canseco, "The Olly Girls" Holly and Molly from Sunset Tan, and a few WWE stars and UFC fighters.
The event was held in an old church converted into a dance club called BoMA, which is so wrong on so many levels.
The evening began with a freak show of sorts, a gothic opera singer, a live model photo shoot, topless women wearing only body paint, and midget wrestling. You know, like a typical Christmas party at TC's.
But mostly it was just a whole lot of this:
After you've gone to a dozen of these things like I have, it gets a little redundant. But if you've never gone to a big event like the Arnold or the Olympia, you gotta make the trip at least once in your life. Just be wary of the man-faced women. No means no, "ladies!"
Note: Special thanks to Lorz Communications and the Arnold folks for the press passes and Jason Dhir for the After-Bash tix. Finally, thanks to Cindy Lee for the extra photography help.
Tech note: This article contains videos delivered in Flash. You will need the latest version of the Flash Player (or at least version 7) to view them. If you cannot see the videos, please CLICK HERE to download and install the latest player now. It is free, quick, and easy.
Article Discussions
