In the Atomic Dog column in issue #180, TC talked about kicking off a column that would be called Idiocy Watch. The purpose of the column would be to take a look at the other newsstand bodybuilding mags with a critical eye, an eye that's devoid of any diplomacy.

Unlike our Ghost Dog column, Idiocy Watch wouldn't bother with synopsizing the other newsstand mags. Instead, it would keep count of how many times the content of each magazine caused the reviewer to smack his forehead with his meaty palm. If, after reading them, he was still conscious, he would write about the things that had tweaked him off.

Anyhow, Steve Berardi, masochist that he is, volunteered for the job. We locked him in a room with five of the most popular bodybuilding magazines and here's what happened. Just be thankful you don't have to talk him back to reality.

A few hundred years ago, a small island off the coast of Australia was discovered. The indigenous wildlife, unaccustomed to human presence, was unafraid to approach the ship's explorers. The curious birds would walk right up to the sea-faring Europeans who would respond by joyously whacking the snott out of the easy targets with sticks. These poor birds, lacking in the art of deception or self preservation, were simply trying to gain knowledge of the humans while the merciless explorers were taking advantage of the birds' natural curiosity.

These days, a similar situation has popped up, only in this case, uninformed athletes are the brain-splattered victims and they're having their heads metaphorically whacked by evil bodybuilding magazines spewing misinformation and stupidity.

But fear not, innocent flock, I'm here to turn those whacking sticks back on their masters. First up on the whacking platform is the nutritional information.

MuscleMag makes an extremely disorganized case against fruit (more specifically, fructose) this past month in the Parrillo Maxx column. Too many of these "cases" just don't jive. For instance, the opening paragraph states that fructose has a "stabilizing effect on blood sugar," yet later in the column the author states "fructose and other simple sugars trigger a rapid spike in blood glucose." Which is it guys?

Okay, I'll answer that one. Fructose is actually preferentially stored in the liver as glycogen. Then, once the liver is full, fructose is free to enter the circulation. So one might say that fructose does have a blood sugar stabilizing effect (or so my biochemistry text tells me). The column also states that fructose is metabolized as a fat in the body, which just isn't the case. Again, that damn textbook rears its ugly head. Fructose is metabolized as a monosaccharide and its metabolites are then free to enter one of many metabolic pathways, one of which is triglyceride synthesis — if conditions are right.

Later in the column, fructose is blamed as one of the reasons the nation's obesity rate is so high. Yeah, like America's fat people are gorging on apples all day! (Apple pies maybe.) Actually, the article cites fructose as the enemy because it's found in high fructose corn syrup. High fructose corn syrup is a highly refined, fructose-dense syrup that's used for sweetening, similar, yet much more concentrated than the fructose found in fruit. Why don't we compare apples and, uh, oranges, not apples and candy?

And just as a side note, be very wary of "science" based articles citing Newsday magazine as a source of information. For more details on why fructose ain't the bad guy, read Cy Willson's Forbidden Fruit article.

After dropping last month's bomb that desiccated liver tablets are "overlooked far too often for their benefits," MMI reverses its opinion this month by stating that desiccated liver tablets "suck." Get your act together, guys, your teenage readers probably have some memory capacity.

The silliness continues in Flex, which advises us not to eat large meals because of a temporary rise in blood pressure, which could rupture artery walls. So now eating's dangerous? If you put this onto your list of daily concerns, don't even bother dragging your fat ass out of bed in the morning because the temporary rise in blood pressure when returning to an upright position might just be enough to cause your head to explode.

Muscle & Fiction, um, I mean Fitness, has an article called "A Crash Course in the 15 Best Ways to Eat to Grow." In truth, it's more like a train wreck than a crash course! Tip one tells me to make protein the foundation of my daily caloric intake, yet tip two tells me to make carbohydrates the main ingredient in my nutritional plan. Which is it guys, protein or carbs? Suck up, pick one, and stick with it!

Another tip would be quite a revelation, if we were back in the seventies. Fast-digesting carbs should be eaten immediately after a workout. No shit. The mag then goes on to suggest eating bagels and mashed potatoes after training. Hmmm, I think there may be a faster digesting and higher quality source of carbs out there, guys. And I don't know about you, but after a session of heavy deads the first thing on my mind isn't a big steamy mountain of mashed potatoes.

And the final nail in the coffin? After a workout Jay Cutler likes to eat a mixture of rice, honey, and raisins. Shit, if it's good for Jay, it must be good for me! Good work guys, right on the cutting edge of nutrition.

Now for the training idiocy, watch your head.

The "Ask Mr. Olympia" column in this issue of Flex focuses on symmetry — what is it and how it's achieved. Ronnie (or the ghostwriter who writes the column for him) answers that "symmetry is making every muscle group in my body as huge and hard as humanly possible." Someone please get Mr. Coleman a dictionary. My dictionary says nothing about huge and hard.

As for achieving symmetry, Ronnie has a simple rule of thumb: if you increase the size of one muscle group, increase the size of the rest of your muscle groups by the same percentage. Sure, simple as that, thanks for the advice. Mr. Coleman, nothing you have said even approaches what could be considered a rational thought; we're all now less intelligent for having heard you.

True to form this month, Muscle & Fitness keeps us abreast with the latest exercise research. M&F reports that when training with a certain weight for a certain number of reps, increase the weight when you can perform the current workload for 1-2 repetitions over the desired number. So if I understand this correctly, if I can bench press 250 for 12 reps, and my target number is 10 reps, I should increase the weight? No kidding, thanks guys. If I were funding this study I'd demand the grant money be paid back and require all the researches to wear "I'm with stupid" T-shirts.

"Workout Tips for Noncompeting Geezers" provides some groundbreaking tips for the older crowd. When training, do as many sets as you wish until you've had enough. Wow, that's some revolutionary info there. As for nutrition, drink three protein shakes per day in addition to your normal caloric intake. Do I hear the Nobel prize committee knocking at your door?

MMI gives us a horrifying insight as to how Dennis James trains his pecs. Dennis thumbs his nose at conventional wisdom and reveals that he has relied primarily on machine chest movements to build his chest. The major reason cited is that he lacks the coordination to perform the exercises properly, especially incline presses. He states that many trainers end up banging the bar into the racks, hitting their chins, and have a heck of a time getting the bar off its supports. "The Smith machine takes all the difficulty out of actually doing the exercise," he says. I also prefer scooting my butt along the floor as walking is so damn hard.

What a sickening testament to the lack of athleticism in modern bodybuilding! And what a great example this is of steroids and other drugs making up for a total lack of training knowledge.

Muscular Development gives us a peek into the glute training regimen of Tommi Thorvildsen, the bodybuilder dubbed "Glutezilla." Once again, the question echoes, "Just how gay is professional bodybuilding?" Folks, I'm talking about a feature article on a man's ass! In the entire photo layout, 10 of the 13 pictures proudly display nothing more than the man's posterior, not to mention the fact that one of the exercises in Tardzilla's glute workout is "Squeeze the ball." Bad training article, excellent source of homosexual stroke material for those so inclined.

To address another issue, I'd like to question just how unimaginative the professional bodybuilding world is to name everyone with a standout body part, something-zilla. I'm sure we can look forward to an increasing amount of similar nicknames, as Latissimuszilla, Trapeziuszilla, and Gastrocnemiuszilla are still unaccounted for.

Now let's take a look at the supplement info provided this month. As you know, most supplement advertisers deserve to be strapped to a chair and beaten under the moonlight. This month's ads are no exception.

For yet another month, Muscular Development rates the proteins. The proteins rated run the gamut from soy protein to beef, but somehow one company's protein product wins by a full star, yet again. Beef loses points for its high cost and inconvenience; tuna is demoted for its fishy odor (oh the horror!); and egg whites are knocked down the ladder due to their empty taste (and here I thought we were talking about the protein value). Oh wait, there's the answer, it's a special 6-page ad report. So much for unbiased journalism. Wonder how many newbies walk away not realizing these ads are bought and paid for by the "winning" supplement company?

It seems the newest thing in protein supplementation are these ready-to-drink protein shakes. I'm sure you all read the Protein Insider interview featured in T-mag a few weeks ago that told of the inferior protein quality found in these pre-mixed shakes. The reason they're gaining popularity escapes me. Are we lacking in the arm strength to mix some liquid and powder? Are we Americans so lazy that we won't even shake our own protein drinks or push a button on a blender? It's not like half the population doesn't practice the same shaking motion on a daily basis, if you catch my drift.

Muscular Development also does us all a "favor" and rates the purity of creatine coming from the US, Germany, and China. As usual, the Chinese creatine manufacturers get dumped on. When buying creatine products, MD advises to check out the source of creatine before purchasing the product. What a great suggestion, considering that I've never seen a supplement bottle list where the raw materials were obtained. That's one more check in the "worthless advice" column.

That's all the idiocy for this month; excuse me while I vomit.