A Warm Welcome to 2008 From Fortress!
by Robert "Fortress" Fortney

Do you have a resolution or resolutions for the new year? Well, keep it to yourself, softserve. No one gives two shits about your dumb plans and wishy-washy promises. Least of all mighty Fortress.

It's Fortress's opinion that those trumpeting changes to come in the ghey form of New Year's resolutions deserve to be in Testosterone's Douche Hall Of Fame. (What? There isn't one? Something needs to be done about this oversight.)

Seriously, if Fortress hears one more asshead speak of plans to quit drinking too much and "get in shape" in 2008, he's gonna mess up someone's grill.

Why all the vitriol from a normally docile Fortress? Mainly because he sees shit such as New Year's resolutions as tantamount to terrible weakness and utter — disgusting — unmanliness.

Do you think Conan made resolutions at the start of each new year? People, Conan fucked New Year's resolutions in the tits. Speak of such frilly fruit-basket wankery in his presence and you'd feel the cold blade of death split open your head. (Much like that badass scene in Conan the Destroyer when there is a little too much tongue wagging and our main man states "Enough talk" and starts serving up the carnage.)

It's like all those ass clowns who, when they learn of your status as a serious weight trainer, say, "Yeah, I used to be into bodybuilding. I've been meaning to join a gym," or "Hey, I bought that new ab machine off TV. How long will it take me to get a six pack?"

Fortress can feel a berserker moment coming on.

Where is Fortress going with this? He ain't going anywhere with it. Fortress just feels like slamming what he sees as some quite ghey shit. What was he talking about? Oh, yeah, New Year's resolutions...

It's in these early weeks of a new year when our beloved gyms start to fill with wimps, weasels, and those looking to "make good" on their resolutions. Fortress wants to hurt and frighten in the power rack and some estrogen-soaked buffoon is doing barbell curls off the pins with a 40-pound bar.

And look! Over in the corner! There's a guy checking out his "pumped" pipe cleaners in the mirror! Can someone explain again why murder is frowned upon?

Fortress wishes for all who make resolutions to fail miserably. Smoke more. Drink more. Become more fat and weak. Lose more money on online betting sites. JUST KEEP OUT OF FORTRESS' "SMALL DEADLY SPACE" (training vicinity) AND KEEP OUT OF HIS FACE.

Face facts. If you were going to make it happen you wouldn't feel the need to announce it to everyone at every opportunity. Fortress isn't against talk. He is against what he sees as a lot of one thing and not much of another. Not clear? Tell someone who cares. Fuck off.

Either do it or don't do it, but keep the resolutions to yourself. Again, no one gives two shits about your dumb plans and wishy-washy promises, least of all mighty Fortress.

Happy New Year.

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